Jordan Year

I’m entering my Jordan year, a little scared.

If I’m being completely honest,  I’d say that, I’m terrified. There are so many emotions that I have, regarding the end of my 22nd year. 22 was bright, and yet painful. I reunited with friends-lost but not forgotten. I discovered the power of self reliance. I experienced the fear of a new state, new city, and no family or friends. I cemented my adult life with Marissa. I embraced my mental health problems, and seeked help, but also learned to self-soothe. Nonetheless, the impending arrival of 23, is frightening.

I feel a little lost. Today I am 22, and 364 days old. And tomorrow I’ll be 23. I don’t expect to suddenly feel “found” tomorrow. I think that comes with time. I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted in year 22, but I am grateful for another shot, another year to continually keep pushing and accomplishing my goals.

I hope and pray that 23, is similar to 22. Am I scared? Absolutely, but I refuse to dread my 23rd year of life. Instead I am embracing, another year of happiness and love. I’m making a commitment to myself and to God: to love deeper, show my gratefulness, and to be comfortable, with myself.  Taylor Swift be damned- 23 is going to be better than 22.

Monday Mornings

monday morning are hard for me. I spend all weekend with Marissa. Sometimes we leave the house and explore or shop, but more often than not, we are inside- enjoying the space we’ve created, basking in each other’s presence and love. 

The relationship that I have with Marissa, is the most important relationship that I’ve ever experienced. Growing up, I had best friends and mentors, and of course my parents- but there is no other relationship that compares to the one I have with Marissa. 

I’ve spent the last 44 months, encouraging my girlfriend to be the best she can be. I’ve spent the last 2100 days, believing in the redemptive, regenerative, and life-changing power of love. And I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. 

I used to lay awake and wonder if, I’d ever be happy. And even now, I catch myself wondering when I’ll be happy. And I have to remind myself that I AM HAPPY. Life doesn’t look like i imagined: I’m not married to a handsome Texas man, with three kids, and a college degree. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I passed happiness and went straight to exuberance about 3 years ago, haha! No, I’m not who I imagined and you might not be, either. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not happy. Find your happiness in the moments- the fleeting and individual moments. Treasure those. Soak in their presence and never stop believing in the power of self. 

I’m only 22, and Marissa is 24. We have our whole lives ahead of us- to change our minds, our lives and our stories. But I pray that we never stop believing. I pray that we never stop believing in us. I pray that amongst all the bad stuff in life- the heart ache, despair, loss and loneliness- I pray that we always remember the magic that we found in each other and in ourselves. 

Whatever your guiding light is, I pray you never lose sight of it. And if you haven’t found it, look inside of yourself- it’s in there: I promise.